Sequel to "WHAT'S LEFT UNSPOKEN."
The months passed. Davey and Nils sheltered the flame of their rekindled love as the fragile thing it was. They took it slow and kept their time together private.
In any case, the distance between them made it impossible for them to do otherwise. Davey could never visit Nils’ family home in Newport Beach again. He knew Nils’ mother would have him arrested on the spot.
She’d never forgive him for what he’d done to Nils. She was the only one who had guessed the truth and he didn’t deny it when she confronted him. It was only the loyalty to the rest of the band she shared with Nils that prevented her from doing something about it. They knew that if Davey Havok went down AFI would go with him.
And Nils would never come to Davey’s home in Oakland again. It held such nightmare memories. Davey had often been tempted to move out of it but it was part of his self-punishment to stay and bear witness to what had happened there.
It had been horrible to return to that house after days at the hospital in San Francisco, waiting for Nils to stabilize. When Davey was finally permitted to see him, Nils had gone into hysterics and forbidden Davey to come near him. Davey had left him reluctantly, believing he’d never see him again.
Davey had completely forgotten what he would face when he arrived home. He’d almost been sick when he entered the bathroom. The acrid smell of stale blood was overpowering and the staining of the tile and porcelain could never be completely washed away.
He’d done all the cleaning himself, tears dripping off his chin as he scrubbed at Nils’ blood.
A year later in that bathroom where Nils had nearly died, he unwittingly triggered a deep need. He’d finished showering and was styling his hair when he reached for the tea he’d left on the high windowsill. He knocked something off and heard it clatter as it hit the floor.
He bent down to retrieve it and froze while he stared at the object that had fallen. It was the cuticle scissors Nils had used to rake open his vein. It was still crusted with blood.
Suddenly it seemed destined that he use it against himself. As if in a trance, he brought the open blade against his inner thigh and cut into it at a deep angle. The line filled with blood immediately and began to seep out in a dribble. Davey watched with fascination as it finally dripped onto the floor.
The deep sting of the incision was followed by a momentary flood of unexpected euphoria and he wondered if Nils had felt it too.
His surroundings faded away and he was with Nils again in those last moments together. He could hear the sirens approaching and feel Nils’ dead weight in his arms as he rocked him, clinging to life. His jeans had stuck to his thigh where the wet warmth of Nils’ blood soaked into the fabric.
That was the first of many times Davey held an imaginary reunion with Nils through the ritual bloodletting. It was more shameful than masturbating to his memory. No, Nils could never sleep under that roof again.
Where then could they be together now?
They visited Davey’s hometown occasionally and drove up into the hills for quiet picnics. If they felt like dancing, they’d push back the furniture in Davey’s parents’ living room and dance like teenagers to the iPod.
Their days usually ended on the back deck where they lounged on sleeping bags, a thick blanket covering them while watching the sky for shooting stars.
“This is all very boyscout-campish,” Nils observed dryly.
“Except for what our hands are doing under the blanket…no, wait - that’s very boyscout-campish, too.” Nils could make out Davey’s smile in the dark.
“And the bottle of wine I’m enjoying at the moment?”
“…still makes us boyscouts. But you’d be drinking some cheap rotgut an older boy smuggled in for you in exchange for a blowjob.”
Davey added, “…that is excellent local wine, by the way.” Then as if catching himself, “That doesn’t mean…”
“I know it doesn’t mean you condone drinking it.” Nils took a big swig and swallowed. “And, frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn,” he joked with a slight slur.
He rolled onto his side and propped himself up on an elbow. Looking down at Davey with an arched brow, he asked, “Now what were you saying about blowjobs?”
Davey matched his posture and leaned in close to his mouth. He whispered, “I was saying how very lucky that boy would be…” Then he gently kissed Nils on the mouth. Nils pressed back against Davey’s lips and slid his tongue over the bottom one. Davey snaked his own tongue in between Nils’ lips and cupped his hand around the back of Nils’ neck so he couldn’t pull away.
Nils had no intention of pulling away. He placed a hand on Davey’s chest and gently pushed him down onto his back.
Nils looked down at Davey and asked, “I asked what you were saying about blowjobs.”
“I was saying you give the best blowjobs in the world.” Nils smiled at Davey’s compliment.
“Except for me, of course.” Davey corrected himself and looked quite sincere.
“Oh, really?” Nils raised an eyebrow at the challenge.
“Really,” Davey replied as a matter of fact.
“Well, there’s only one way to find out who gives the best head. We will have a friendly competition. Whoever can make the other come first, wins.”
“I like it. There won’t be a loser in your little contest.”
“I said it was friendly,” Nils grinned mischievously.
Davey flipped himself around so his mouth was level with Nils’ crotch and began to push him down on his back. “One, two, three. Go.”
“Whoa! It’s not fair if one tops. Get those jeans down and lay on your side.”
“All right, I see your point.” Davey glanced down at Nils’ hard-on and smirked. “In so many ways.”
Nils arranged himself so he was opposite Davey in a classic “69.”
“Ready, set, go, baby,”
Davey wrapped his hand around the base of Nils’ penis to steady it. It was so erect it was pushing into his lower abdomen. Davey took him into his mouth rather quickly and gently sucked while his tongue played along it. He curled it up and ran the piercing balls under his tongue up and down the underside of Nils’ cock.
“That’s so unfair,” Nils complained with a moan.
Davey laughed as best he could with Nils in his mouth which just about sent Nils over the edge.
Davey gasped as the suction on his penis increased to be almost painful. “Nils! For chrissake…”
Nils pulled off him completely. “Better?” he smirked.
“No, terrible,” Davey was nearly whining. Suddenly, he realized he had the advantage and slid Nils’ cock into his mouth as far as it would go. Then he relaxed, swallowed and drew it even deeper. He massaged the underside gently with his tongue and hummed.
The vibration was so pleasurable Nils forgot he was still trying to make Davey come first. He threw in the towel and arched his back as the hot wave of his climax hit him. Davey had to pull back quickly to avoid choking on the salty warmth flooding his throat. He couldn’t swallow it all fast enough and some of it leaked from the corner of his mouth.
He was immensely satisfied with his victory but that did nothing for the suffering caused by his own erection. Nils seemed capable of doing nothing at the moment but lying on his back and panting.
Davey put his own needs aside. He tenderly tucked Nils’ now flaccid penis back into his pants and sat up. He took a couple of mouthfuls from his water bottle, swished his mouth and swallowed. Then he poured some into his palm and splashed it around his face like aftershave.
Nils giggled. “Sorry about the mess.”
Davey looked at him intently. “Such a beautiful mess, pretend that you’re appalled,” he quoted himself. He grinned and wiped his face on Nils’ shirt.
Nils groaned. “I hate it when you show off.”
“Now I’m sorry.” He smiled and lay down beside Nils. He took him in his arms and tucked the top of Nils’ head under his chin. He wanted to tell him how much he loved him but he held back the words. He went for jocular instead of romantic.
“Oh, the sweet taste of victory – and you. Seriously, I love the way you taste, Nils. I’d have you anytime.”
Nils was silent, sensing the gravity of the moment behind Davey’s flippancy. To lighten the mood, he said, “You won, you know. Except…” his hand rubbed over Davey’s wilting erection.
“You can take care of that when we’re upstairs in my warm, soft bed. Besides, it’s getting cold out here and I need to piss. Don’t you, too, after all that wine and sex?”
They struggled to their feet and stretched while admiring the stars that shone brightly over the hills. They went to the edge of the deck and prepared to take aim into darkness.
Davey suddenly turned towards Nils and hit the stream of urine with his own.
Nils exclaimed, “What the fuck?!”
Through his laughter, Davey explained, “Now it’s a pissing contest! Haven’t you ever done this? It’s fun!”
“No, I guess we had more sophisticated ways of entertaining ourselves in SoCal.”
Davey aimed right for Nils’ feet but lucky for Nils, his bladder was empty and he didn’t actually wet them. They both zipped up. Nils finished off the rest of the wine while Davey trundled the sleeping bags inside.
Davey returned to Nils’ side, put his arm around his shoulders and pulled him to him. “You’re a snob and you’re going to pay for it in bed.” Nils kissed him sweetly on the cheek, “Oh yeah? Let’s go,” he whispered.
Taking Davey by the hand he led him into the house and up the stairs to the bedroom. He stumbled near the top and giggled, feeling the wine really kicking in.
“Shhh! You’ll wake the ‘rents,” Davey warned.
“‘The ‘rents?’ What are you – 15?” Nils snickered.
“You’re really asking for it, kid,” Davey gave Nils a little shove into the dim room and shut the door.
Nils turned toward him to take him in his arms but Davey’s hands on his shoulders spun him back around so he faced away. “Stand still,” Davey commanded, then proceeded to pull Nils’ tee up over his head. He disposed of Nils’ slacks just as easily. Nils was getting turned on all over again.
When Nils felt Davey against him, he had shed his clothing, too and they were skin-to-skin. Davey stayed behind him and pressed the length of his body against Nils’ back. Nils heard Davey sharply inhale and then exhale near his ear. It tickled and Nils asked if anything was wrong. “No, nothing could be more right. I just want to breathe you in.”
Nils was so touched he suddenly felt shy and wanted Davey’s kiss. He began to turn around but Davey gripped his biceps and held him in place. “No. I like this.”
Nils felt strangely exposed like that, with Davey behind him. He had a sense that they were being watched. He glanced up and saw his own naked reflection with Davey behind him in the floor-length mirror. Nils eyes widened as he studied the image. “Damn, that’s hot.”
Davey’s gaze met his and he nodded in agreement. He ran his hands up and down Nils’ arms and kissed along his shoulders. “You’re so soft, so smooth, almost like a woman,” he murmured against his skin.
His hands moved down over Nils’ belly and his fingers lightly brushed the hairless pubic triangle. “Except for this,” he said as he closed one hand firmly around Nils’ penis and rubbed his thumb gently at the spot on the bottom where the head and the shaft met. “I love this and only you have it,” Davey whispered. He felt Nils’ cock flush with warmth and become hard beneath the tender skin.
Nils moaned quietly and his head fell back against Davey’s shoulder. Davey moved the other hand up Nils’ chest and played with his nipple. Holding Nils against him firmly with hands in place on his cock and nipple, he began to sway a little with him, their hips moving in time with one another.
That created friction and Nils felt Davey’s cock hardening and lengthening against him. It brushed the back of his thigh and Nils instinctively spread his feet a few inches apart so it rose up between his thighs and settled, pressing his perineum and nudging his balls with its head. Feeling him so near his opening, Nils moved his ass back and forth over Davey’s cock. Davey growled when the motion pulled at his piercing.
Davey held Nils’ waist as they continued the subtle grinding. “I want you to fuck me,” Nils whispered and Davey answered him. “Your wish is my command.” The cliché sounded wholly sincere coming from his lips.
“On your knees, bend over the bed, beautiful one.” Nils would never understand why he didn’t find that kind of language hilarious. He would if someone other than Davey spoke to him that way but with him, it seemed perfectly natural. It made him feel cherished.
Nils did as he was told. “Put this under you, the floor’s hard” Davey said kindly as he fitted a plump bed pillow under Nils’ knees. “Want one for your head?”
Nils was growing impatient. “No, just touch me. Can’t wait much longer to have you inside me.” He sunk his fingers into the bedcover near his head in anticipation.
“Mmmm, me, too.” Davey settled himself on his knees on another pillow behind Nils. He kneaded Nils’ shoulders with his fingers before slowly pulling his splayed hands down his back. Having an idea, he said, “Hold on, I have to get something,” and he was off to the bathroom to retrieve the bath oil.
He knelt behind Nils again and leaned forward to kiss the side of his mouth, his neck and bury his face again in his hair behind his ear, one of his lover’s most sensitive areas. He ran his tongue around the shell and snaked the tip of it inside. Nils hissed at the wet warmth.
Davey straightened and uncapped the body oil, filling the room with its brown sugar scent. He poured a liberal amount into his palm and applied it across Nils’ shoulders. With both hands, he worked his way down Nils’ back, kneading the deep muscles as he went. The oil released more aroma as it warmed on Nils’ skin.
He came to the small of Nils’ back. Davey dug in his fingernails at Nils’ waist and hipbones but not enough to hurt. He took the bottle again and drizzled a small amount into the cleft of Nils’ ass. He spread it over the small globes and finally his hand crept beneath them to the puckered opening that promised ecstasy.
One finger, then two and three had Nils practically writhing and rubbing his hard cock against the bed. “Please, Davey, please…”
“You can’t imagine how much I want you,” Davey whispered, wishing he could tell him how much he loved him, too. He could only show him.
With an oily hand, Davey stroked himself and nudged his way into the entrance. “Ready?”
Turning his head, Nils groaned. “How can you ask that?”
Davey pushed against Nils’ hole and slid the head of his cock into it. “More, I want it all. Fuck me deep and hard,” he whined.
Davey worked his cock all the way into the tight canal. It held him snugly and Davey could feel Nils quivering around him.
“Yeah, that’s it. Give it to me.”
Davey desperately wanted to fuck him with short, hard strokes at first so he pulled halfway out and thrust back into him over and over. He withdrew almost to the entrance before plunging his cock back inside. He didn’t stop until he was breathless.
Nils rose up on his elbows and his back formed a perfect concave arc. “Jesus, you are so beautiful, Nils,” Davey slid his hands up along it until they came to rest on his shoulders. He gripped them firmly to anchor himself so he could fuck Nils’ the way he wanted.
Nils pulled away from Davey’s hands to deepen the arc and create a delicious tension throughout his body. He moaned as Davey drove into him harder.
He slowed to lean forward and kiss Nils’ mouth as best he could. He didn’t think he could last much longer.
Nils pushed back onto Davey’s cock, rocking to his rhythm. “Fuck me hard. Make me come from the inside,” he entreated.
“Like that, babe? Is that what you want?” Davey purred. He hit that ultrasensitive place inside him and Nils groaned loudly.
Davey abandoned himself to the blissful sensations emanating from his cock as he thrust faster and harder into Nils. He broke into a sweat and his heartbeat sped.
“Oh, yeah, like that. I’m gonna cum…” Nils voice rose as he began to shake with his climax. He bit his knuckles to keep from crying out. His body grasped Davey’s cock in hard spasms and Davey finally surrendered to the desire for release. He thrust furiously as his cum pulsed out of him.
Before it slowed he pulled out completely and stroked his cock rapidly over Nils’ ass. A second and then a third shot of cum thickly coated Nils’ asscheeks and lower back. Davey panted a quick succession of “Oh, oh, oh…”
Nils had soaked the bedspread with his own ejaculate and lie exhausted and supremely satisfied. Playfully, Davey spread his own fluids over Nils’ behind. They’d dry and tighten his skin, leaving it so soft after he bathed.
Finally Davey dropped back on his heels and rested his cheek against the cushion of Nils’ buttock. He smiled and kissed it all over before giving it a light slap, causing Nils to gasp and giggle. Davey’s lips and chin glistened with a mixture of the sweet oil and his own cum.
He cleared his throat and said, “I told you you’d pay. Now come and get your receipt.” He rose and pulled Nils to his feet. Nils pretended to swoon into his arms. Davey laughed and held him in one arm while he tossed back the covers.
He lovingly lowered Nils onto the bed. He retrieved their pillows and piled them comfortably against the headboard. He tucked the blankets around their shoulders and settled them both into the warm cocoon where they relaxed in a long, languid kiss.
“I love you,” Davey whispered beneath his breath. He was sure Nils couldn’t hear the barely audible declaration so he was amazed when he heard him answer, “Love you, too, forever.” They held each other tightly as if they were protected against all the wrong in the world and fell into a dreamless sleep of innocence lost and found.
Davey was ever mindful of his past possessiveness and he was determined Nils never feel dependent. He kept his expectations to a minimum and was simply grateful for any attention Nils chose to give him but Nils couldn’t seem to give him enough.
Nils was working steadily again and it so happened he had a couple of contracts that kept him in L.A. and AFI was scheduled to begin recording demos for the new record there. Usually, Davey would’ve stayed at Jade’s house but they’d never cleared the air between them after that night at the hotel and the strain was becoming obvious.
Nils rented an apartment in West Hollywood and invited Davey to stay there as much as he liked while he was in L.A. Davey knew it was just a matter of time before Jade realized they were together. He felt he owed it to Jade – and Adam and Hunter as well – to come clean before it hampered their work.
Davey had gotten a call from Hunter informing him that they were slotted in the studio the next day. Hunter and Adam didn’t understand why they’d become the go-between where Jade and Davey were concerned but they knew it had to stop. They’d seen many ups and downs between the two friends over the years but this time it was worrisome.
Davey was the last to arrive. The other three men were relaxing and enjoying each other’s company. Hunter and Adam were sipping on Starbucks and Jade had his customary Squirt. Davey came through the door beaming and headed straight for his dear friends.
Without warning, he flung himself at Adam. Adam caught him in his muscular arms with a loud, “Oomph!” The force of the impact spun them both around before Adam set Davey down firmly on the ground. He muttered, “Goddamn it, Davey…” and blushed.
“He always falls for that,” Davey laughed.
Hunter grinned and said, “I see the fairy has landed.” Davey turned to him and threatened, “You’re next, bitch.”
Hunter raised his hands in defense and took a step backwards. “A hug. That’s all you’re getting.”
Davey wrapped an arm around him and rubbed his shaved head. Hunter squeezed him as hard as he could and Davey absorbed the affection.
“I’m psyched, Hunt. Are you?” Davey beamed.
“You are glowing, man. What’s up with you lately? I haven’t seen you look this happy since…hell, I don’t know when.” Hunter stopped himself from saying, “Since you were with Nils.”
He’d heard rumors that they might have reconciled but he didn’t want to take any chances and spoil the mood. Davey just smiled and turned towards Jade, awaiting his welcome.
Jade kept his back to him and continued stringing a guitar, ignoring all their antics. Hunter and Adam exchanged questioning glances.
Davey was hurt but not surprised. He quietly approached Jade and laid his hands on his shoulders. He felt Jade stiffen under his touch but began to gently massage him anyway. After a few moments, he leaned down and wrapped his arms around Jade’s shoulders and said, “I missed you, Jade.”
He knew Jade disliked such open displays of affection but Davey couldn’t help it. He wondered for a moment if Nils was worth this but he really had no choice – he couldn’t live without him. Jade would just have to accept it.
Davey was roused from his worries by Jade’s voice.
“So?” The suspicion was evident.
“So…what?” Davey asked with trepidation.
“Are you with him?”
Davey was silent, not wanting to say anything that might inflame him.
“I guess that means yes.” The disappointment was obvious.
Davey circled around and dropped to the floor at Jade’s knees. He took his hands in his own and spoke softly. “Listen, Jade. Nils did nothing wrong. He doesn’t deserve your hatred. He misses you…”
Jade cut him off with a derisive snort. “Jesus, Davey, you don’t have to bullshit me. But then you’ve been doing that for a long time now, haven’t you? Why couldn’t you come to me? Why’d you shut me out?”
Davey sighed in exasperation. “Jade, if you’d believe me, I’d tell you everything…” But Davey lost his nerve. How could he explain something he didn’t understand himself?
“Just…please don’t make me choose. I can’t.” The pleading in Davey’s eyes broke Jade’s heart a little.
Jade shook his head in defeat. He looked down at Davey with a wan smile and asked, “What can I say to that?”
Davey leaned forward and hugged Jade’s legs in silent thanks. “Nothing,” he answered. Then he looked up and with his most charming smile, he said, “Let’s get to work, shall we?”
The crisis ended. Jade accepted that Nils made Davey happy, regardless of his opinion. They avoided discussing it and work on the new record progressed smoothly.
Nils’ recovery mentor, Nathan, had refused to answer his calls for awhile but eventually offered him his friendship, if not his support.
But Davey was haunted by Nils’ desperate inquiry of that night after the last Blaqk Audio show. Why had he treated Nils so abominably when he had meant the world to him?
That’s why he was standing on the quiet, residential San Francisco street. He reminded himself why he was there. He had to understand why he’d hurt Nils and driven him away. Now that Nils had allowed him back into his life Davey couldn’t risk losing him again. Against all logic, Nils seemed to trust him but he had to be sure he could trust himself.
He monitored his moods constantly, ever vigilant lest the rages and blackouts he’d been able to hide from everyone - except Nils, who’d been their victim - return. It was a deadly secret only he suffered to know.
He’d finally confided his fears to his physician. Tests came back negative and he was told it was probably psychological in origin so they suggested a round of antidepressants and in-depth therapy. He began the prescribed medications and after several months of stability, he felt ready to go deeper. So he found himself on this stranger’s doorstep.
Davey chewed nervously on his lipring. He glanced down at the business card in his hand and matched the address against the house number. It looked like any private residence in the quaint San Francisco neighborhood. He admitted it was inviting.
Dr. Tarantino was supposedly one of the best psychotherapists in the city and rarely had an opening for a new client. Fortunately, Davey’s friendship with his niece gave him an advantage.
He jumped when the door was opened by a handsome man in his fifties. Davey noted how stylishly he was dressed and groomed. He highly doubted this was the receptionist. He was face to face with the doctor himself.
“Mr. Marchand?” The man smiled warmly and opened the door wide, gesturing for him to enter. Davey removed his sunglasses and followed him inside. Here, he hoped he would find the truth.