Disclaimer: All is fiction here.
Nils jumped at the sound of knocking. Davey’s eyes flew open when he heard Jade’s voice on the other side of the door.
“Dave, open up. I know you’re in there.”
Davey struggled to his feet and cinched the towel around his waist again and headed out of the bedroom. He chose to ignore the pain of walking from the rough sex. Nils noticed how gingerly he stepped and felt sick with guilt.
Nils gently caught his arm. “Davey, your throat…the marks…unless you want to tell him…”
Davey covered Nils’ hand with his own as he thought of the answer. He went into the bathroom and splashed water on his face. He grabbed another towel and wrapped it around his neck as if he’d been drying his hair.
Davey cracked open the door to Jade’s smirk. “Must’ve been some hookup to keep you away from your phone all night. You missed a hella rad afterparty.”
Davey stepped out into the hallway and left the door cracked a bit. He hoped he could trust his voice to answer. The belt had been so tight and it was still difficult to swallow.
Before he could say a word, Jade glanced over his shoulder and caught sight of Nils passing by the bedroom door. He had on no shirt and his unzipped slacks were hanging from his hips.
“Oh hell no!” Jade exclaimed and began to shove Davey out of the way. Davey placed both hands on Jade’s chest and pushed him back hard enough to nearly unbalance him.
“Stop it. I want him here.” Davey’s voice was low but emphatic.
“Are you crazy? You must be crazy! You can’t take him back!”
“Jade… I know you want…what’s best for me… but you don’t know…everything…” Davey’s vocal cords were strained and he began to cough.
“I know enough! I know what he did to you in that alley. I know it couldn’t have been the first time. And I know that’s why you broke up with him all of the sudden.” At the back of his mind, Jade began to wonder about Davey’s voice.
Davey forced out the words vehemently. “You don’t know shit! And it was the other way around - he left me.” Davey faded to a whisper. “He had to…I did terrible things…” Davey doubled over in a paroxysm of coughing. As he did so the towel around his neck and shoulders slid off.
Jade’s eyes grew wide when Davey caught his breath and stood straight again. The burn from the belt was clearly visible around his neck. Jade shook his head in disbelief. For the first time he noticed Davey’s eyes were bloodshot and his cheeks flushed. His voice was obviously hurt.
He recognized it all as symptoms of strangulation. He knew Davey toyed with erotic asphyxiation and had made him promise never to do it alone or with someone he couldn’t trust.
He exploded at Davey. “This is so fucked! I can’t believe you want this!” The pain was evident in his face.
“Jade…” Davey placed his hand on Jade’s arm but he shook it off.
“It’s your life. Do what you want. But I don’t have to stay around and watch.” He strode away before Davey saw the tear fall.
Davey was enveloped by sadness as he watched Jade walk away. He turned and went back into the room, closing the door quietly. He leaned against it and sighed heavily. Looking up, he saw Nils, fully dressed and pulling on his shoe.
“Must you go?” He asked with another sigh of resignation.
Nils held out his hands helplessly. “ Jade’s right, Davey. This is fucked. It will never work. Jade will never understand, no one will. I can’t come between you and Jade. There’s too much at risk.”
Nils thought of Nathan too, who’d done so much the past two years to help him move beyond Davey and all the pain he’d caused him. He doubted Nathan would ever speak to him again if he went back to Davey.
Davey hesitantly replied, “Is that really so important? What can’t be comprehended is eventually accepted for what it is.”
Nils smiled ruefully. “So human nature is on our side? What about our natures? After tonight I don’t know who I am anymore. What’s the point if we’re just going to hurt each other or live in fear that we will?”
“Nils, I’m not asking for anything from you, no promises. To hear your voice once a week would be enough. No strings attached. You’re bound by nothing.”
Davey approached Nils and carefully pulled him against him, fighting his conscience as he did so. He rested his head on Nils’ shoulder and closed his eyes. “This is more than enough,” he whispered.
Nils exhaled and relaxed into Davey’s embrace. He wound his arms around him and nuzzled his hair. He couldn’t believe it had been two years since they’d shared such tenderness. How could he feel so at home in this man’s arms, after all they’d done to each other?
Nils lifted Davey’s chin and ghosted his lips over his mouth. He pulled back a bit and rubbed Davey’s chin.
Smiling, he said, “I don’t know if I like this stubble. Doesn’t matter anyway – it’ll go the way of the false eyelashes soon. Man, I thought you were hot in lace gloves and eye shadow but this suit and tie look is gonna kill me.”
Davey was nonplussed by Nils’ flirtatiousness but didn’t resist when he placed a light kiss on Davey’s rough cheek. Nils hesitated before moving down his jawline. Involuntarily, Davey tilted his head back and invited Nils to kiss his throat.
Nils pulled back and snickered an afterthought. “Jade just looks like a school teacher. He should stick to skintight white. He has killer legs and ass.”
“Huh?” Davey was momentarily thrown off -balance by Nils’ candid observation.
“Never mind,” Nils smiled reassuringly.
He couldn’t resist following the sinews down Davey’s neck with his lips. He saw the cruel line the belt had left there and he felt his stomach knot. He wanted to turn away but just then Davey tightened his hold around his waist and pressed his hands into the small of Nils’ back.
“Don’t stop,” Davey breathed. He was willing to take whatever Nils would give although it had ended in violence and pain earlier. It had just been payback, as far as Davey was concerned.
“Davey, I have to ask…because there were rumours that you were screwing around…I even heard a guy at a party bragging about being with you. He said you were short on romance but long where it counted.”
Davey cringed at the crude comment and how it revealed his callousness. He remained silent with nothing to say in his own defense.
Nils added, “Actually, it was kind of creepy ‘cause he looked so much like me.”
“As you said, I am pathetic,” Davey admitted as his voice trailed away.
“Then I must be too because deep down I was flattered and glad that maybe you still wanted me. Or at least someone like me.”
Davey held his breath as Nils’ confession stirred hope in his heart.
“And I should be really flattered ‘cause I heard there were many of me.” Hope died as a wave of shame washed over Davey.
Nils laid his hand on Davey’s cheek. “That was a joke, Davey, just a joke. I need to see you smile.”
Davey looked at him in disbelief. Nils ran his thumb along the outer edge of Davey’s eye. “I missed the crinkles.”
“Besides, they knew who you were. They used you as much as you used them.” Nils rested his palm on Davey’s rough cheek.
Davey braved the question that had haunted him. “What about you? Has there been – or is there - anyone special?” He was sure there had to be as Nils was so young and attractive and it had been such a long time.
“No. I guess I never met anyone who looked enough like you to be worth it.” Nils was smiling but he immediately regretted another failed attempt to lighten Davey’s mood.
“Shit. I’m sorry, Davey. I wasn’t judging you.”
Nils looked away. “The truth is I needed…a lot of therapy and they discouraged getting involved with anyone for awhile…and I just…no one compared to you.”
The self-hatred Davey had lived with since that last night arose with fresh ferocity.
“Oh god, Nils, I’m so sorry. There’s nothing I can ever do…” He began to back away.
Nils held him tight then placed both hands on the sides of Davey’s head and kissed him forcefully on the mouth. Davey tried not to respond in kind but Nils didn’t let up. He was determined to wear down Davey’s resistance. Two years of masturbating to memories was going to end if he had anything to do with it.
He wanted to pretend the revenge he’d acted out earlier hadn’t happened at all but he didn’t see how Davey possibly could.
Now it was Nils turn to pull back. “Dave, I don’t know how I could’ve done that to you. I don’t know who I was. It scares me shitless.”
Davey didn’t let him loose. “I’m alright. I really am. And I trust you.” He lifted Nils’ chin to bring their lips together.
Nils’ mouth. Davey had avoided kissing any of his hookups because it was sure to break the spell. No one had Nils’ mouth and now that soft, wide fullness was against his for the first time in two years. God, how he’d longed for it. Still, he was tentative in the taking.
The kiss slowly deepened. For his part, Nils couldn’t imagine how this could continue but he wanted it so much.
Finally, he couldn’t hold back. He ground his lips against Davey’s and demanded entrance inside his mouth. Davey gladly gave it and melted into the kiss with Nils nipping at his lipring.
He craved the feel of Davey’s skin on his. “Oh god, Davey, I wanna…”
Davey hands flew to the line of buttons on Nils’ shirt. “Fuck Jade,” he declared passionately.
“Fuck Nathan,” Nils countered.
“Nathan? I thought you said…”
“He’s just a friend.”
With that reassurance, Davey worked on Nils’ pants, opening them quickly with expertise. While he pushed off the shirt, Nils stripped off his remaining clothing.
The towel had fallen from Davey’s hips and they stood naked together. Davey gripped Nils’ biceps and pulled him to him, pleased that Nils had gained some muscle mass. Nils asserted himself and held Davey so tightly against him it almost hurt. They resumed kissing heatedly and let their hands roam and rub freely over shoulders, backs, buttocks.
Davey moaned when he felt they were both achingly hard. Nils had been patient enough and slid his hands down Davey’s arms until he interlinked their fingers. He stepped back towards the bed and tugged Davey along with him. “Come here,” he said and Davey didn’t have to be told twice.
Nils lay down and pulled Davey on top of him. They kissed deeply until Davey broke away and flicked the tip of his tongue in Nils’ ear and kissed his throat down to his shoulders. Nils gasped at the sensation.
Davey was so grateful to have Nils in his arms again. He’d taken it for granted before. He couldn’t explain why he’d never felt it, not even the first time. After two long years of futile attempts to replace the irreplaceable, he had found what he’d lost.
Nils lifted his hips and moved against Davey’s erection. It was Davey’s turn to gasp but he was still unsure of how far Nils wanted to take this.
Davey looked into the blue pools of Nils’ eyes. “Do you want to stop? This doesn’t have to go any farther.”
Nils arched an eyebrow as if he questioned Davey’s sanity. Without hesitation he said, “Go get your lube.”
Davey swallowed hard but made a beeline for his grooming bag and returned to Nils’ side with lube and a condom.
Nils reached up and pulled Davey down into another kiss. Davey laid on his side, propped up on an elbow and played his hand over Nils’ clavicles, nipples and stomach. He noted that Nils had filled out nicely, even if he didn’t sport pecs and a six-pack.
He teased him by tracing the crease between his hip and his groin. Ignoring the erection Nils was massaging, Davey let his fingers ghost over his balls and perineum. He noticed Nils opened his legs wider the closer he got to his entrance. So that was that – they were going all the way.
Without missing a beat, Davey flipped open the lube and coated his fingers. Leaning down, he apologized. “Sorry if this is a bit cool…” as he probed gently for the opening. Finding it, he wriggled in a slick finger.
Davey wanted to be slow and gentle but Nils wasn’t making it easy. Nils pushed against it and encouraged Davey. “You have small hands and a long, fat dick. Make it three fingers.” Davey could barely suppress a groan of longing when he heard Nils’ words.
Carefully, Davey inserted the other two fingers one at a time despite Nils impatience. He sighed as he felt the tight warmth and remembered how incredible it had been to be one with Nils in that way. He moved his fingers in and out until he felt Nils relax and stretch.
Nils reached for him. “Please, Davey, now.”
Davey simply laid on top of him, heart to heart, cock to cock. Nils rearranged his legs so that Davey’s rested between his. Davey rose up on his elbows and kissed Nils’ mouth. Nils ran his hands down Davey’s back and rested them on the swell of his ass.
Feeling the firmness, he commented, “Wow, what’ve you been doing at the gym?”
“Stairs. They are so brutal.”
“Totally worth it.” Nils cupped Davey’s cheeks and pressed him down on him while lifting his hips and grinding against him.
That turned up the heat between them. Nils shifted and opened his legs. Bringing his knees up, he breathed, “What are you waiting for? I want you.”
“Mmm…if you insist…” Davey’s lips curled in a smile as he pushed himself up into a kneeling position. He reached for the condom but Nils tapped his thigh.
“Did you always use one? I mean, every single time?”
“Yes. Of course.”
“Then don’t use it now. And I told you I haven’t been with anyone in all this time.”
“All right… Nils.” Davey had caught himself before he’d called Nils “my love” or any other endearment that waited on the tip of his tongue. He couldn’t let Nils know how much it meant to him that he trusted him like this. And he didn’t want him to feel pressured to match the intensity of the love he felt for him at that moment.
Davey squeezed a bit more lube into the palm of his hand and slicked his cock. He gave the ring that passed through the slit at the head a tug and made himself rock-hard. His thighs slid beneath Nils,’ lifting his ass to just the right height to enter him.
Nils stroked himself faster and bit his lip in anticipation. He reminded himself to breathe as he felt Davey begin to slowly slide into him. Davey’d done a good job of prepping him and he felt no pain at all. He bore down to welcome him in deeper.
But Davey withdrew and shifted position. He stretched out on top of Nils again and kissed him deeply. He’d had plenty of sex with Nils’s surrogates but he’d never gazed into their eyes or kissed them if he could avoid it.
He turned on his side a bit and guided himself in again with one hand after tucking Nils’ erection down between them. It was one smooth motion and Nils softly moaned at the fullness. Davey laid on him and lightly touched his hair. He nipped at Nils’ earlobe and his lips lingered behind his ear, knowing how sensitive he was there. Nils groaned in response.
“Ohgod, fuck me, fuck me,” Nils begged.
All reticence lost, Davey quickly pulled out before forcefully thrusting back into him. He repeated the motion again and again. Nils brought his legs up and wrapped them around Davey’s hips in an act of absolute intimacy that made Davey’s heart swell.
They rocked together and Davey hit that place inside Nils that made him gasp with pleasure. He buried his face in Davey’s shoulder and then bit his collarbone. Davey’s thrusts took on an urgency and a light sheen of perspiration broke out on his forehead.
Nils gripped Davey’s shoulders and dug his fingernails into the strong muscles there. Davey could feel that Nils was getting close and he responded with abandon, wanting to time his own climax with Nils.’
Without warning, Nils tightened and spasmed around Davey’s cock. A wet warmth suddenly coated Davey’s thighs and he grit his teeth as his own cum shot deep and hot inside Nils.
Nils’ legs dropped down lazily as he relaxed in his contentment but Davey wanted this to never end and he continued to shallowly thrust into him until he began to soften. Finally he slipped out and collapsed onto Nils.
He struggled to suppress the tears of joy that stung his eyes and he didn’t see the soft smile of contentment that graced Nils’ face.