Disclaimer: All is fiction here.
The water was turning cold, as cold as his heart. He turned it off and wrapped a towel around his hips before leaving the warmth of the bathroom and falling back on the bed. He threw one arm over his eyes and shuddered as the nightmare began.
He’d never love anyone like that again. He’d never hurt anyone like that again. He couldn’t remember the details and it nearly drove him insane. What had happened that night? He knew he was responsible for the ring of bruises around Nils’ fragile throat but what murderous impulse had brought him to mark him so?
The bathroom had been splashed with blood. He’d almost slipped in it after kicking in the locked door. Nils had been slumped over the edge of the tub, bleeding profusely from the crudely torn gash up his wrist.
When Davey pulled him into his arms, Nils was limp and already unconscious. He knotted a tie around his arm to staunch the flow of blood. It was all a haze after that.
He vaguely remembered days of wandering the halls of the hospital, waiting with Nils’ mother for encouraging words of his stabilization. When they were finally permitted to see him, Nils had become hysterical when Davey entered the room. As Nils screamed at him not to come near him, Davey had a flashback of sitting atop Nils and squeezing the breath from him with his bare hands.
There had been no reason for it. Only that he had to prove his invulnerability and to hide again the wounds that Nils had unwittingly uncovered. His unconditional love had softened the scabs that had kept Davey safe for so long.
It was mystifying, deplorable and unforgivable. He knew that. His shame was without bounds and that was why he’d welcomed the beating Nils had given him when they’d finally met again. He didn’t deserve even that reprieve.
A soft knock on the door rescued Davey from his miserable reverie. Room service. He’d forgotten he’d called them.
He struggled to raise his voice. “Come in.”
A soft scuffle of feet entered and he instructed, “Just leave it, thank you.” He kept his arm up to cover his eyes.
A weight fell on his chest and his raised arm was pressed painfully above his head. Before he could react both wrists were lashed together there by the tie he’d discarded on the bed. When he opened his mouth to shout, his other tie was roughly shoved in it and yanked behind his head in a tight knot. His jaw began to ache with the pressure.
He looked up into Nils’ face. It was contorted with rage. Davey acknowledged this was the time of reckoning at last.
Nils let his full weight rest on Davey’s chest. Davey suppressed the panic and breathed through his nose. A twisted smile came over Nils’ face as he conceived his next move.
He swung off of Davey and swiftly removed his tight pants. He yanked open the towel cinched around Davey’s hips, leaving him naked and exposed. He was stopped cold by what was revealed.
“What is this?! This…this cross carved into your thigh? What gives you the fucking right, you bastard?! Do you think this makes us even? Do you know how many months it took to heal this?” Nils extended his left wrist and shoved it into Davey’s face. The ugly scar from his suicide attempt was clearly visible. “You did this - you and your fucking mindgames! You drove me to it…”
He stared at Davey and shook while whispering, “Why, why? All I did was love you…”
He hid his face in his hands and sobbed while the wave of rage built anew until it overwhelmed him again and he was shouting at Davey.
“ I almost died! I was barely 21 and I almost died! You fucking hypocrite - I’d cut that open right now like you’ve never done except you’d probably get a rush! God, you make me sick. Like some emo 13 year-old, cutting yourself. Yeah, if people only knew how pathetic you really are…”
A cold cruelty overcame Nils and he demanded, “You want pain, huh? I’ll give you pain, damn you.”
Nils climbed back on the bed and pushed open Davey’s legs. He knelt between them and took ahold of his own dick. He avoided looking at Davey’s face as he rubbed it over his thighs and up his cleft. With his other hand, he pushed a dry finger into Davey’s asshole. Davey shook for a moment and Nils stroked himself until he was hard, relying on two years of suppressed lust to complete the abhorrent act.
He lifted Davey’s knees and forced him open wider. Davey bit down on the gag to stifle a cry when Nils suddenly thrust into him. He hadn’t been fucked since they’d been together. He hadn’t even fucked himself and this hurt like hell.
Nils rammed through the resistance and Davey swore his perineum was about to tear. His eyes smarted with the pain and his mind threatened to leave all this behind. He willed it to stay present and experience this.
Nils braced his hands at the back of Davey’s knees and grunted his way to a steady rhythm. He whispered curses at Davey, just like in the alley. He squeezed his eyes shut and dug his nails into Davey’s hips as he came inside him.
The room was eerily quiet except for Nils’ panting. Davey felt Nils relax for a moment as he recovered from his climax. He pulled out while he was still hard and Davey winced as his body released him and the fluid burned the raw skin around his entrance.
Nils moved back up Davey’s body and sat on his abdomen. His weight shifted as he reached for something. Davey heard the hiss of Nils’ belt being whipped through the loops and then he felt the smooth vinyl slide around his neck.
“Look at me. Look at me!” Davey’s eyes flew open as a stinging slap struck his cheek and knocked his head to the side. Nils grabbed his chin and yanked it forward.
“Look at me, you motherfucker. I wanna see what you saw when you were choking the life out of me.”
Davey knew Nils must be reliving those moments. He didn’t know how Nils had suffered in the months following.
He’d gone to respiratory specialists for tests and chest x-rays and been sent away with a clean bill of health. His mother had nagged him about the light smoking he did and his friends teased that he wasn’t tough enough to take the L.A. smog. He took asthma medications that had no effect on the episodes of breathlessness that left him light-headed.
Finally his therapist connected the nightmares of drowning, being buried alive, suffocating in cave-ins and so on with the recent onset of “asthma.” Nils hadn’t told anyone about those terrifying moments of betrayal. He couldn’t believe it had really happened. It was unthinkable that the hands that had brought him nothing but comfort and pleasure had turned against him so viciously.
Worst of all, Davey had lied and told the paramedics Nils had done it to himself. Nils’ mother had cried as she thanked Davey for saving her son’s life. The doctors had told her he’d probably flatlined before Davey had resuscitated him. Nils’ assailant was his savior in everyone else’s eyes.
As he thought of these things, Nils jerked the belt hard and immediately cut off Davey’s air supply.
Then it was Davey’s turn to remember. Fueled by the adrenaline, all the details of that night came rushing back to him. How Nils had struggled for his life, clawing Davey’s hands as they squeezed tighter around his throat. He’d tore at his arms and his legs had thrashed in futile protest.
He saw the wordless plea on Nils’ face before his eyes rolled back and he slowly fell away from Davey.
Then there were muddled memories of Davey breathing life back into him, a frightened Nils crouching in self-defense against a wall, the bathroom door slamming shut, blood everywhere, the sirens approaching…
In some bizarre twist Davey had tried to take Nils’ life and then saved him. Nils tried to take his own life and Davey had saved him again. None of it made any sense and now it never would. He’d die wondering why he’d done it.
“Let me hide within your black, the still inside your eyes.” Davey lost focus and Nils’ penetrating gaze began to fade along with everything else. The only sound was the hammering of his desperate heart.
Nils released the belt as quickly as he’d tightened it and watched anxiously as Davey revived. He’d teetered on the edge of unconciousness but Nils had given him back his breath just in time. All he could hope was that his windpipe wouldn’t continue to swell and kill him anyway.
He pulled the gag from his mouth and untied his hands. Nils tried not to see the pink stain on the white towel beneath Davey.
Nils rolled him into his embrace and held him close as he shook uncontrollably. He listened to the wheezing rasp of Davey’s ragged breathing and feared he’d ended his career, if nothing else.
The realization that he’d actually been able to rape and nearly murder the one person he’d loved more than anyone left Nils stunned. How could he have been capable of such acts fueled by a simple need for revenge? My god, how he had evened the score.
But he knew it was more than that. He’d been obsessed for two years with Davey’s mental state at the time of the assault. A dark part of him knew that the only way to understand was to act it out himself. He had to admit revenge was sweet.
But what was he now? What was Davey? What were they to each other?
It was impossible to get up and leave him now. Jade had left a few messages on Davey’s cell when he didn’t show for the afterparty. Should he return them and let Jade come to the rescue again?
No, this moment was too private. They now shared a bond no one could ever fathom.
The answer was within easy reach. He could find something in the suite strong enough to hold his weight. He knew Davey wouldn’t resist the belt slipping around his throat again. In as little as a minute they both could be unconscious and never even know when the end came.
Nils was sure it was the perfect solution. But just at that moment, Davey stirred in his arms and pressed against him for warmth as he began to shiver. He finally opened his eyes and fought the hazy vision and the pounding in his head. He looked up and searched Nils’ face.
That was it. Nils knew they had to go on, no matter how painful the search to find each other again might be. He grazed Davey’s clammy forehead with a soft kiss. He held him close and listened to his belabored breathing as Davey drifted into an uneasy sleep.