Sequel to "What's Left Unspoken."
Disclaimer: All fiction, no profit.
I have been a world apart
Stuck in between time.
Head into the ground I'm found
Falling through fault lines.
I feel see-through.
Can you see through me?
Raise a glass and toast the flame
Just like the old days.
Swallow but be careful, don't drown
The new ways you could say:
"Would you change this time?"
I'll begin to change my mind
When you can explain why
I feel see-through.
Can you feel me?
Could I change one thing?
Could I change your mind?
Shall we burn it just like the last time?
I can't change a thing, can't explain why I never felt it,
Not even the first time.
The Fear of Being Found by Davey Havok
Davey folded his arms tightly across his chest. He was determined to thwart any instinct of self-protection against the promised pummeling.
He felt something akin to gratitude when the first blow caught him square in the face, causing a spurt of blood to erupt from his nose and an eye begin to swell. He lifted his chin and was rewarded with a fist slamming into his mouth and filling it with the metallic taste of blood. The hard meeting of knuckles and teeth trapped tender lips in between and his lipring split the soft flesh.
The punishment moved lower. Davey doubled over when the fists found their target in his belly. He could only take so much before sinking to his knees.
Once down, the fists were replaced by a foot kicking over and over into his ribs. Davey tried to stay open and upright and hoped for the cracking sound of fracture but the canvas Converse couldn’t deliver the relief he sought. He contented himself with a deep bruising.
He craved cleansing. As much as he hated it, the Roman Catholicism of his youth had left an indelible mark and he needed the expiation of his sins but tonight wouldn’t be the end of it. He was left alive and condemned to bear his merciless conscience.
Finally his tormentor spent his rage and now only muttered curses. In return, Davey whispered his thanks. He knew he had no right to speak of love. Indescribable sadness arose when he realized their time together was nearly over. It wasn’t the intimacy he longed for but it was intimacy nonetheless.
Through the panting of his assailant and his own belabored breath Davey heard a slice of music as the back door of the club opened and then shut again. There was a scuffle of feet and Jade’s voice reached him.
“Holy shit! Dave? Dave!”
Davey looked up to see Jade’s arm in recoil, poised to strike his attacker. But Jade was frozen in place, silent and mouth agape as he recognized the man. Taking advantage of Jade’s momentary shock, the man wrenched free and ran toward the parking lot.
Jade didn’t know whether to follow him or tend to Davey. He snapped open his cell as he bent down to check on his friend. Davey snatched it from his hand and threw it as far as he could down the alley. Jade saw it hit the pavement and shatter.
“Let him go,” Davey grunted as he struggled to his feet. Jade held him and watched helplessly as Nils’ car sped away into the night.
Nils ran two stoplights before pulling over and pushing “1” on his phone. He hoped Nathan would answer.
“Hey, Nils. What’s up?” Nathan’s voice was warm and casual. He’d been Nils’ mentor and friend for over a year now. He’d completed the therapy group before Nils and knew how hard it was to be the only guy. The women were kind and very understanding but it just wasn’t the same. He’d been abused by his lover for years before finally finding the courage to seek help. He admired Nils’ strength, especially considering how young he’d been at the time.
“I just ran two red lights, “ Nils confessed breathlessly.
“Are you drunk? I’ll pick you up…”
“I’m not drunk. I just…can’t…”
“Nils. What happened?”
There was a long pause and when Nils answered Nathan strained to hear him.
“I saw him.”
Nathan knew that could mean a hundred things so he tread carefully.
“You’ve seen him around a couple of times before, Nils.”
“Not like this…Oh, man, I really fucked up.” Nathan could hear the panic building in Nils’ voice.
“It’s cool, you know I understand. How did you fuck up, exactly?”
Nils was fighting tears. “I didn’t mean for it to happen. I was going out the back door of the club and I felt someone touch my arm. I thought it was one of my friends, following me out. When I got to the alley, he stepped in front of me. We were face to face. There was only a foot between us.”
“I felt cornered and I guess I panicked…so I hit him.”
Nathan slowly exhaled and contemplated what to say next. “Okay, don’t guilt trip yourself too much. That was to be expected if you felt trapped. Did he threaten you?”
“No! No. I don’t know. I just reacted. I don’t know what he would’ve done…” Nils bit his lip as he saw Davey’s face in the dim alley again. He had looked anything but threatening but Nils didn’t want to think about that.
“Nils, listen to me. I know what you’re thinking. What you did was in self-defense, whether the threat was real or not.”
“You don’t understand, Nathan, I went crazy.”
That worried Nathan. “What do you mean? How bad was it? Did you leave him conscious?”
“Yeah, Jade came out of the club and saw us. That’s when I ran for it. I’m sure he took care of him.”
Nils immediately regretted having used Jade’s real name. He’d been careful during therapy to hide Davey’s and the other’s identities. He knew confidentiality was a given but he didn’t dare risk it. Regardless of what Davey had done to him, he wouldn’t ruin their friends’ lives. That’s why he’d never pressed charges despite his mother’s insistence.
“Umm, he’s Dan’s best friend.”
Nils remembered the shock on Jade’s face when he’d recognized him. God, that hurt.
Nathan’s voice broke into Nils‘ thoughts. “How are you feeling now?”
“I’m okay. I think I can drive home.”
“Good. Call me when you get there. And Nils…”
“Hmmm?” Nils’ mind was drifting again.
“Remember. Remember how he hurt you. Christ, you haven’t even been able to work. He lied to your friends and told them you were an addict. Do I need to remind you of anything else?”
Nils listened carefully and whispered, “No.”
“Don’t pretend he’s changed. You’re the one who spent six months in therapy every week and a year after that doing group work trying to repair the damage. Not him, the bastard.”
Before Nils could respond Nathan broke in again. “And you know I don’t mean just your body. What he did to your mind and spirit was just as bad.”
“Go straight home and do not drink when you get there. You know the rules.”
“Love ya, man.”
“You, too. Thanks.”
“Talk to you in a few.”
Nils had stopped shaking but his arms were beginning to stiffen. His hands were sore and his knuckles were slightly swollen.
He pulled back into traffic and turned the stereo up loud. He wanted to drown out the image of Davey’s gentle, deep brown eyes peering into his. He’d been completely unnerved by the soft smile Davey had worn as he prepared for Nils’ first strike, as if anticipating a kiss. He needed to forget the sensation of his body reacting to Davey’s nearness, even as rage and terror had controlled his actions.
Jade looked down at his friend as he heavily slept. He’d given Davey enough valerian to take down a horse. Davey had fussed about the repulsive smell and taste but the discomfort of the beating was taking its toll and convinced him to swallow it.
Jade shook his head slightly as he remembered the shocking sight of seeing Davey kneeling in the dark alley with Nils above him, hands balled into fists and delivering one last kick into Davey’s ribs.
Jade had grabbed him by the shoulder and spun him around, wanting to give the assailant the thrashing of his life. He barely recognized the man facing him. Nils had changed: his neck was a bit thicker, his shoulders broader, his jaw squarer, his hair shorter. He’d become a man.
It was his expression that made him so alien. The shy smile that would burst into a toothy grin had been replaced by a grimace, lips pulled tight with rage. The wide blue eyes that once gazed at Davey in adoration were narrowed and glinted with anger.
He’d also seen shame there when Nils had recognized him in return. They’d been so close. Jade had become the older brother that Nils never had. It had been great having him around the studio helping Smith and the techs. In fact, the three of them had grown so close that people jokingly referred to Nils as the third Puget brother. They had plenty of good times even without Davey.
Jade would have never have guessed the quiet, placid demeanor hid such potential violence. Nils’ temperament seemed to be the perfect complement to Davey’s intense, high-strung personality. Everyone dreaded the rare display of Davey’s latin temper but it was that fire that made him so affectionate, passionate and expressive. Jade had never seen two people so in love.
Now he understood why Davey refused to talk about their breakup. Everyone had been shocked when it happened. They were assumed to be happily living together in Oakland, then suddenly Nils had gone back to Newport Beach and was living with his mother. Both Nils and Davey were virtual hermits for the next year.
Davey’s loyalty had apparently prevented him from exposing Nils for the abuser he so obviously was. Jade was determined to break through the silence and isolation that was surely the cause of Davey’s writer’s block. He’d get him writing again.
Davey didn’t know what woke him. He was surprised that he’d fallen asleep at all. That wasn’t his usual modus operandi.
He pressed closer to the young man curled into his embrace, his back to Davey’s front. The boy’s rounded buttocks curved into the hollow of Davey’s groin and Davey buried his face in the black hair.
Something was wrong. The shape of the body was foreign. Even the scent began to repel him. It wasn’t the smell of spent semen and alcohol that bothered him so. It was what was missing – his scent, the warm, musty smell that emanated from him as he slept.
Davey roughly pushed away from his sex partner. He wanted to get away, fast. He didn’t want to see his face or remember his name. It was over and he was done with him.
Every encounter ate away at him a little more but he couldn’t stop seeking them out. The nightly pilgrimages to the clubs in search of the young, pale, lithesome boys with the raven hair. They rarely had blue eyes but that didn’t matter. Davey avoided looking at their faces anyway. They weren’t easy to find but when he did, he drew them to him like a moth to a flame.
He’d bide his time while they drank and drank. They’d dance and he’d grind his pelvis into theirs, averting his eyes. When they were barely able to stand he’d take them to the nearest hotel.
Once inside the room, he’d quickly strip them. He’d feed them his cock, being careful not to gag them. More than once, he’d had to rush one to the toilet just in time to vomit all the alcohol they’d imbibed. It sickened him to no end.
Then it was always the same. He’d push them down on their stomachs onto the bed, slide on a condom and fuck them raw and hard. He’d dress and leave them passed out and just as he’d used them.
But that night his body had betrayed him. He was exhausted and his bruised ribs ached, his eyes were still ochre from healing and the split in his lip was still scabbed. Tonight everything hurt, especially his heart. For the first time he eyed the bottle of champagne he’d bought the young man.
He despised him then. He despised him for being who he was and not who Davey wanted him to be.
Davey had slept for hours and the dawn was breaking. The boy stirred after he pushed him away. While Davey dressed wordlessly, the young man chattered and hoped he could delay Davey’s leaving. He offered his phone number and said he’d like to see him again.
Davey’s patience with him wore thin. He asked if he needed anything: money for a cab or breakfast. He already had on his sunglasses and his hand on the doorknob. He couldn’t wait to get out of there.
When he accepted, Davey tossed a fifty on the table and slipped out of the door. He felt nothing but relief.
How long had this been going on? About as long as his supposed “writer’s block.” That’s what the band thought was happening and he let them think it. He hadn’t stopped writing. In fact, his head ached with the pressure of the words demanding to be expressed. There were nights when he never slept and wrote like a man possessed.
He guessed that was what he was but he couldn’t imagine ever exposing them to anyone. Once written, he never wanted to see those words again.
The door of Davey’s hotel room swung shut behind him. He barely noticed his surroundings as he tossed his jacket on the chair and yanked the tie from around his neck, dropping it on the bed.
He was pleased with the show he and Jade had just finished. It had been a special performance and the tour was over. Exhilarating, yes but he was glad it was over. He was tired.
There had been one disconcerting moment when Davey had been distracted by a man at the back of the crowd. He looked so much like Nils that Davey had been startled and lost his focus, jumbling a verse of the song he was singing. Ironically, it was The Love Letter.
Davey continued to undress and prepare to shower. He was trying to find some enthusiasm to attend an after-party for Blaqk Audio and wondered if the Nils look-alike would be there. At one time that would’ve been all the motivation he needed to send him running but meaningless sex with all these slender, pale, dark-haired young men was fast losing it’s appeal. It would never be enough and he knew it.
Once in the shower Davey turned on the hot water and shampooed his hair. He considered shaving but decided to keep the stubble. It was cool as long as he kept the nail-polish. New life, new look, right? Hardly.
What was he feeling now that the tour was over? He was usually so numb he didn’t even know. Loneliness. He’d thought he’d been born lonely but he knew better now. You had to have something before you knew what you’d lost and he’d had it and lost it.
Nothing seemed to ease the loneliness. His friends occasionally introduced him to attractive men and the exceptional woman. After a date or two he’d graciously end it, feeling worse than if he hadn’t tried at all.
As he lathered his body, his mind wandered. It followed the same path: the destination was always Nils. He felt so guilty when he indulged himself like this but just couldn’t resist the temptation sometimes.
He trailed his hands over his chest, grazing his nipples. He re-traced them again then moved down to his abdomen and on to his hips. He pressed his fingertips into his hipbones, digging in his nails. A soft moan escaped his lips as he brushed his fingers down the length of his shaft and rubbed the ball of the piercing with his thumb.
He became hard and remembered making love with Nils. It had been so perfect. He’d felt so complete as they’d rocked against each other and deeply kissed. How he loved to spoon Nils’s back to him, an armed crooked under his knee, holding him open while he thrust into him from behind. He’d bite at his neck and listen to Nils’ breath catch.
Davey stroked himself and thought of Nils’ soft, loving expression as he worked Davey’s jeans down over his hips, pressing him back into the chair, gazing up at him through long, dark lashes.
His mouth had taken him in slowly. With great concentration he used just the right speed to work his way down to the base then licked his way up to the head again. Down again he’d go until he held all of him in his mouth and he’d begin to suck. Davey groaned at the remembered intensity of the sensation and began to fist himself.
Nils had let him fall from his mouth. He’d stood before him and peeled his slacks off, revealing his own erection. He straddled Davey’s lap, facing him, and took his face in his hands. He tenderly pressed his lips to Davey’s and began to rock against his hard-on.
Davey couldn’t bear it and whispered, “I wanna be inside you. Now.” So Nils would reach down and poise himself on Davey’s cock, pulsing with anticipation. He’d arch against the pain of unprepped entry and exhale. He never protested Davey’s impatience to fuck him because he couldn’t wait either. Since they made love daily it only took a few minutes to adjust and transform the pain into pleasure.
He’d rise and fall on Davey’s lap and kiss him like it was the first time, drawing the passion from his tongue and his lips.
Nils would lift and come down harder on Davey’s cock, pressing it as deep as he could against that place that he knew would send him over the edge. He’d repeat the motion over and over until they were both keening for that delicious release.
He’d graze his mouth over the sheen on Davey’s forehead, relishing the faint, salty taste of perspiration because it reminded him of Davey’s cum. He’d moan his name with such love and wanting that Davey would feel the climax coiling in his groin in response. He wanted to answer Nils’ unspoken command so he’d rise up and collide with his body, hands on hips, slamming them together.
In the present, he tilted his head back and the water hit him full in the face and he had to gasp for air. He came over his own hand and let out a guilty sob of longing. He fell back against the tile and hung his head in shame. He’d lost again to the temptation and his punishment was to live with the knowledge he’d never have Nils again. A piece of him would always be missing now and his life was a sham.